Have you ever left school with the innate desire to stuff your face? Well if you have, and you are wondering where the optimal place to go is, your search is over. I am a humble scholar of insalubrious cuisine, having explored the hallowed eateries ranging from those beside Maggie Walker to those a few miles beyond.

First and foremost, there is the famous Sugar Shack, a place where donuts as well as my bank account go to die. Their donuts are dry, thick, and bitter—like depression baked into dough. Every bite is paying three dollars to regret chewing. Your friend makes you believe it is good, and you eat a bit of it and get the impression of, "Wow, I could have eaten a piece of printer paper.” Your blood pressure skyrocketing when you look at the bill is the only sugar rush you are getting here. 2/10.

Secondly, from the great and fabled state of Louisiana, there is Raising Cane’s. Little known fact—this is actually the cult of Cane, and the sauce is the deity. The chicken fingers? Average at best. The fries? Soggy. The bread? Okay, the bread was great, but I can toast my own loaf. The Sauce? Just ketchup with a sprinkle of pepper and a dash of mayonnaise. 5/10.

Next, we have the cheapest and most economical option, Kroger. Kroger is not a restaurant, it is a select-your-own-regret machine. You can get sushi, chips, or 12 packages of cake, but the real star of the show is the $5 fried chicken. It is golden and greasy, and smacks of victory after a long day. Without it, Kroger is nothing but disappointment. With it, Kroger becomes akin to a Michelin-star meal. 4/10

Then we have the biggest disappointment of the modern ages, Panera. Panera pretends to be fancy. You get a sandwich and soup combo and you file for chapter 7 bankruptcy. The soup has great flavor but no sane person can charge $10 for potatoes, cheese, salt, and water. The bread bowls? Fine. Mac and cheese? Also fine. But something there does not justify the fact that you just wasted your entire inheritance on one piece of bread. It is the group project partner of restaurants that costs too much: it looks good, it carries nothing. However, I have to admit, some of the products they sell at grocery stores are good. 1/10

Finally, we have what I believe to be quintessential fast food debauchery, Chipotle. Chipotle is not food, it is salvation. The burrito bowl is a build-your-own ode to happiness: rice, beans, meat, salsa, guac (guac is an option, and an expensive one, but happiness is also expensive). Each bite is like taking a test that you did not study for. Sure, at times the tortilla breaks like a pair of glasses you just sat on, but that is what happens in life. Having Chipotle after a long day of school is not just an option, it is a path to find your calling. 11/10

EDITOR'S NOTE: The opinions expressed in this article do not reflect those of the Jabberwock editors, writers, or sponsor. They are solely the ideas of a misguided young man who apparently cannot appreciate the delights of a fresh Babe Ruth donut with a Sugar Shack cafe de leche.